Our deepest fear isn’t that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It’s our light, not the darkness that most frightens us’.
Marianne Williamson
It's one of the most famous 'New Age" Spiritual quotes...But is it true??
Its a fact….we’re usually blind when it coms to what our identities are up to…Even those of us who are been on a path of discovery have still been blind sided by the strategies we employ to keep us from seeing the things we don’t like about ourselves, or who we really are because it’s really not easy to stay with the distress…especially those of us who have suffered with mental health issues..I know for myself it felt like a source of humiliation.
I’m supposed to be spiritual teaching the way how can I let people know my personality is obviously still be a source of aggravation ?? And so I’d continued to hide it even from myself…
I’ve come to realize I was in no way scared of the light. I was in no way scared of my power. If I be honest, I was shit scared of the emptiness and pain I was trying to plug with the idea of light and power because of the the terrifying experiences I had been through, and the fear of inadequacy I wouldn’t get through them, or have the courage to face the many personality patterns I’d catapulted into life with or developed, and to be honest which I didn’t really like about myself when they reared their head - and which sometimes kept me locked in pain..
I do not feel like a victim of anyone else anymore but I realised I was a victim of the things I was avoiding, and essentially still therefore had a hold on me.
And in that admission I had this feeling of impending doom - ‘Am I never going to be done?’ Well here’s the thing. In a sense we none of us are, because we don’t get to transcend the personality ‘the ego’ as some teacher’s would have us wrongly believe.
However if we are truly truly honest with ourselves and willing to look at the patterns we have running, we have somewhere to go, and the realisation of knowing something is far less scary than the ultimate avoidance of it…and ultimately far less dangerous…
Whilst battling with my own problems, I slowly began to notice that the growing consciousness movement of which I was firmly part, was unwittingly and innocently kind of nose diving into a kinds of new superego, in its attempt to create a Higher Good. By desperately trying to flee ‘whats not good and right in our human ness nor this world.’ we were rejecting, dismissing, denying and avoiding the ‘what is’ of our personality….. which ultimately not only means our shared humanity but our health…
The manifesting and the attracting were tempting us with you can have, be and do anything while ignoring the obvious stranglehold…..it’s only the ego that would think of manifesting and therefore was a form of covert control… and anyway no matter how hard we manifest it doesn’t mean life will give us everything we want…
We attempted to make the spiritual path ‘easy’ when we knew that every Saint nor Master who had ever lived had to ‘pay their difficult and long spiritual dues' when it came to embodying the virtues of the heart….and it isn’t any different today…enlightenment wasn’t a workshop it’s a life long process of ‘truth’.
We tried to cover the personality with spirit believing that if we do that then the ego no longer rules and we’’ll transcend all of ‘this’ when in all honesty nothing can be more honourable and healthy than embodying a healthy humanity…
Landing smack bang into more major challenges, accidents and illness. Lessness stuck in my throat. I realised that as long as I had been on the path at some level my contract with the Divine was built on being worthy, health, miracles, abundance and other nice words which I had hoped I was always going to be supplied with. After all if I’m going to believe in spirit or God I’m hoping I don’t end up homeless, with cancer, with depression again, with no voice, or unsuccessful…otherwise what’s the point?
And I knew if we be honest as a humanity this is where we’re stuck - there’s a negotiation which comes with God or Consciousness - Let thy will be done but make sure I’m…..
I had to be honest about this. So. I really chose to let thy will be done….whatever that meant…I ultimately let myself be undone, and stop the lies. I stopped denying the darkness, and what the Enneagram calls the passions. I finally admitted to myself that my personality or mental state may always be something I have to presence especially under difficult circumstances but that will never stop me having a beautiful and authentic life.
Every day I watched my defence patterns come up and brought love to them. I cringed, cried, covered my head, hid in the corner; I felt humiliated but I also had plenty of laughs when I saw the shit my personality was colluding with and what I was really up to. I was both surprised and shocked just how much I was still denying…how many survival patterns I was still running. But now I really had somewhere to go!.
I stopped denying it as ‘mine’, and worked towards looking at my ego but not identifying with it.
I accepted I didn’t know any better - I didn’t choose consciously at conception how my preferred neural pathways would pattern to survive life…I did the best I could with what I got, and my ego did the best it could at the time, even though some of it may be out dated now.
I let spirit presence, but I never denied for one moment my personality…and I still don’t.
It’s only when we can truly take the glasses off rather than trying to waste valuable time pretending we’re ‘limitless’ manifesting this and that and pretending our fear is being afraid of our magnitude when it’s for the most part being afraid of whats there underneath - Its’ only when we can see the obvious thing to do would be to inhabit this embodied life - that we can appreciate fear is attempting to orient us to a new freedom in the wholes-eat andhealthiest possible way. Here healing happens naturally and we come home to ourselves..
And now we can really meet others in their struggle, and the pain and suffering we come to carry on this often hard and mysterious path…and only then can we transform and transmute the games into something real and essence opens naturally.
It’s here authentic compassion and unconditional love unfolds naturally. Not because someone tells us it’s the right thing to do but because we chose to understand human nature by understanding ourselves and our humanity. Without that understanding we can never appreciate another’s suffering can come alive as betrayal, abuse, or murder we will only ever see it and any defect we have as bad or evil.
I feel like I’ve merged a new person but in all honesty I just recognise myself now. Don’t get me wrong my personality isn’t all rosy. Sometimes I suck or I catch myself about to do something….but the secret is I catch myself and allow whatever needs to come naturally. Or sometimes I’m aware I could spiral and I look at why and presence it, and if I needed further assistance I’d ask for it in the right places..
I don’t know what life has in store for me. Who does? I’m not manifesting I’m just working towards becoming a better person with a message and vocation I’m putting effort into sharing.
I’m still as firmly rooted in spirituality and God as I always was. The thing is I know now I don’t need to become more spiritual, I already am! I don’t need to do anything to be that which I am in essence….My role isn’t to become more spiritual, it’s to allow that essence to come through while recognising and presence-ing the things I’d avoided then choosing to ‘work’ to integrate them….and then ‘yes’ let God do the rest.
I know it’s all good because I’m ‘here’. I’m here now. Life is good. It’s really good because I’m in it honestly, and I don’t need to check out or numb out, nor make fancy excuses and I believe that’s the best thing we can do - Be honest, kind and compassionate to ourselves and try to love ourselves no matter what we put ourselves through….
However if we are truly truly honest with ourselves and willing to look at the patterns we have running, we have somewhere to go, and the realisation of knowing something is far less scary than the ultimate avoidance of it…and ultimately far less dangerous…
